No One Told Me About Motherhood

By: Alex Bingham

It became every bit of me. A fear that surfaced once I could feel her kicks. A fear that was patronized by the news, warning me and all of the others to come and more others who have already been there.

Every day that I walked out of my house and double checked the stove and the lights and the locks. Will I double check enough? Hoping and praying that my mind will keep clean a small space to remember all the things that it needs to. 

Will I remember to check for you? 

Because after your bottles and my breast pump and my lunch and your sister’s lunch and confirming that the chicken is thawing for dinner and the bank account that may be overdrawn because of that one pending thing that’ll come out too late or too early before the next paycheck hits— after checking all of those things will I remember that I dropped you off at daycare? 

Will I make a pit stop after your sister’s at school diverting us from our usual routine and keep moving as if you weren’t with me when actually you were?

Will I go into work and on my lunch break, five hours later, take a trip to the car only to see my life end because yours did due to my tired mind?

Imagining a version of you that should be forbidden. A version of you that wasn’t smiling.

I began spending the moments that should have been beautiful with the wicked. 

And realized that this is what the people talked about. 

Anxiety. 

When I grew tired, it slept by my side and it slept wild. So I watched it wiggle and squirm and concoct new ways to devour me. 

And when my eyes began to close and the thumping slowed down, anxiety knocked on my door, telling me it’s time to check if you were breathing.

It laughed especially loud this time around, proud that it’d made a name for itself. Anxiety put a bid on me; to conquer my mind while his buddy took over my soul.

Alex Bingham is a New Jersey native and author of Union Girl. Alex is a poetic storyteller, songwriter and mother. She enjoys creating rhythmic stories about love, loss, grief and motherhood. Her work can be found in Bloom: Poems of Loss, Heartbreak, and New Beginnings by R.J Hendrickson. instagram.com/thealexbingham