Within Yourself, Not Outside
Photography by Valentina Faubion
By. Becca Carucci
This is the third essay from a collection called “Rightful Places: Stories of Coming Home to Myself.” I haven’t always felt at home in my existence, my body or my life and have spent a lot of time looking externally for a place of belonging. I have come to learn that we must begin the journey to peace by looking within, examining our souls and discovering what exists there. Somewhere between the bravery to dive deep, the grief of the losses we face and the freedom there after, within the mundane and the extraordinary we will discover soon that we have indeed found our rightful place. My deepest hope is that between and within the lines of these five essays you become a step closer to a true home within, the place we are all longing for. Yours, Becca
I’ve been highly observant since I was a little girl. “Did you hear that sound?” “Did you see the face they made?” My eyes take in my surroundings, scan rooms and faces while my ears detect what a particular sound is. Most of the time, I love this part of myself. I also attract these people in my life and it makes for some of the most interesting and fun moments. While I sit at a cafe with my best friend, we are likely to pick up on all of the nuances, conversations and rhythms happening around us. On the flipside of casual observation, having eyes that see things and ears that hear things can position you in a place of anxious wondering when your soul has not come home to a place of peace and acceptance with your life.
When I was younger, having my eyes everywhere often caused me discomfort and sparked insecurity. I would anxiously scan over rooms full of adults having conversations. I automatically assumed it was something negative or even worse, about me. If they laughed, then that was my cue that it most certainly was. At a Superbowl party in our house, I nervously tugged on my dad’s shirt while he talked to people in a group, asking what was being said. He looked at me and replied, “When you watch this football game on TV, and the team is all huddled up in the center of the field, do you think they are talking about you?” I know. Maybe in the moment it was not what I needed, but it has stayed with me and has been the redirector I have needed in my life when I begin to spiral into insecurity.
If you have yet to come home to yourself, to some sort of sense of belonging within your own existence, then I am sure you too have struggled with believing that all eyes are on you and that you should make your moves in order to please the people who surround you. To my people pleasers, codependents, and fearers of the word no...this ones for you. It is a gift to exist in such an attuned place to other people, I believe that. But it is a gift that needs refinement and check ins frequently. My gift to see many things and to be attuned to my surroundings, needs the check in of what my dad said to me that Sunday afternoon so long ago, otherwise it will be clouded by the voice of insecurity rather than illuminated with the voice of clarity. I wonder what gift of yours may need to be visited with loving refinement?
One of my clues that I am beginning to need to look within is the word should. Anytime this word begins to pop up frequently, I know I am not living in my place of home as much as I could. Should holds high expectations, demands, and other people’s opinions, three things that don’t serve us well. Even though our culture often announces otherwise, we were not meant to be rushed through our life, doing and going, moving unaware and unintentionally. Should contains the rapidness of our culture, it emphasizes the unrealistic ideation of achievement and leaves out any room for your soul to flourish. To be clear, the shoulds I am referring to are not daily rituals that are good for you. You should nourish your body, mind and spirit. What I am referring to are the shoulds that do the very opposite of that, which are more often than not the ones that we let drive the car of our life.
When our souls have not made their peace, our choice-making skills are highly impacted by that. It can be any decision from a simple “What am I going to say next?” to “Who will I spend my life with?” that will have a different outcome, purely because we are only relying on external sources to affirm the choices we make. If I say this, will they validate me? If my answer is no, I should stay quiet. If I marry him, will my parents approve? If my answer is no, I should rethink my decision. Do you see the pattern? Rather than beginning outside, we need to begin within, believing that our minds, hearts and souls are fully equipped and able to make decisions without wavering when a should arises.
I’ve learned that I must take my dad’s poignant question one step further. Even if that football team was for some odd reason discussing my life and my choices, at the end of the day, does that really matter? When we have come home to a rightful place, the pressure to make everyone around us happy begins to decrease. When you’ve gotten to know yourself so well, it becomes easier to identify what you need versus what others need from you. You’re able to see more clearly, become more decisive and the word ‘should’ begins to disappear.
A good friend of mine was recently making a big decision regarding a relationship that had sent him on a rollercoaster of an emotional journey and he was beginning to see the ways it had negatively affected him. In the despair of choosing to let go, he continually factored the partner he was leaving into all of the moves he made. Essentially it boiled down to, in order to emotionally safeguard the partner’s heart in the breakup, he was willing to neglect his own needs. With this mindset in place, boundaries were left unset and his heart continued to hurt. The ‘shoulds’ of the narrative that played out prevented him from being able to dial into his needs and blocked out true desire. When we’ve operated out of the place of making our choices based on the benefit of others, it makes it difficult to know what our needs are, excuses become easy and justifications for neglect of self bubble up and overpower the soul’s true need.
It may appear to be a noble life on the outside: striving to protect and preserve others before yourself. But this is a costly life. A life that is marked by exhaustion and emotional fatigue, a life robbed of fullness, a life that at the end will leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth for all that went unsaid and undone. If we press into the sobering reminder that this life is delicate, we become increasingly aware of the truth that all we have is now and all we have is each other. The beauty of this can serve as a motivator to take care of ourselves. Like the reminder before taking off in a flight about securing your own mask, so we must first tend to our own needs to be the best version of ourself. This is the only path that will free us from the bonds that tie us to the thought pattern that in order to be good, we must give in to the shoulds that ring loudly in our heads.
Becca Carucci works as a therapeutic specialist at a mental health clinic in Southern California and is currently pursuing a Masters degree in Organizational Psychology. Her passion for people having a deeper understanding of their stories began in 2013 when she moved to Ethiopia to work with women and children who had been victims of human trafficking. Since then her life has brought her on a journey of self discovery that has only deepened the desire to partner alongside people as they uncover more about themselves in order to live fuller and more meaningful lives. She enjoys writing and can be found most often holding an americano in one hand, a book in the other with The National playing in her headphones. Instagram: beccacarucci .