Instagram: The unconventional support system for the bereaved in pregnancy loss

By. Padma Srinivasan

Content Warning: Miscarriage

“You never arrived in my arms, but you will never leave my heart.” – Zoe Clark-Coates

A quote that hits so close to home, as a bereaved parent. I lost my first child to a missed miscarriage attributed to a partial molar pregnancy in February 2019. A partial molar pregnancy is an abnormal pregnancy in which an embryo develops incompletely. Instead, a cluster of grape-like cysts (known as a hydatidiform mole) grows in the uterus. A partial molar pregnancy is a genetic accident. The egg is fertilized by two sperms instead of one leading to the development of an abnormal embryo. Molar pregnancies occur approximately 1 in every 1,000 pregnancies. They are more common in women who are older than 40 years and in women of Asian origin.

I had no clue on how distressing the whole experience of coming to terms with my loss would be. Recovery from the emotional implications of a miscarriage seemed unfathomable as compared to recovering from surgery. I gave art therapy a shot. I tried to channelize my deepest emotions to express them into drawings. I decided to share them, albeit anonymously, on Instagram. The simple process of sharing my artwork connected me to fellow loss parents who not only resonated with my feelings but provided solace and comfort to my grieving heart.

Mrs. Anne Chien, Infertility Counsellor at the Assisted Conception Unit, Ninewells Hospital, Dundee offers her insight on the availability of emotional support on social media-“Bereaved parents can perhaps share more with others on social media if they feel able to, because it feels safer, they can control how little or much of their personal experience they wish to share and can do so at their own pace. They may also believe that others have a deeper understanding of what they're going through, as they often seek out individuals within specific groups who have had similar experiences. There may be a sense of community.”

“A picture speaks a thousand words’’. An adage that holds so true for fellow angel mom Amanda Feltmann (@orangeafmama), 31, a photographer from Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA. She is mother to daughters Juniper and Coral, who vouches for the support she receives from her Instagram community. She quotes, “After Juniper died, I began grieving publicly on my Instagram account. I am a photographer and it gave me so much joy to share her photos along with quotes. After several posts, I began to find a community of other loss moms and resources and my Instagram account really turned into a space for my grief. This was not intentional, but I could not be more thankful for what this has turned into. I feel less alone. I am an extrovert by nature, so connecting with others is important. Grieving publicly helps me deal with so many complicated feelings and emotions, among the people who get me.”

A few gifted individuals integrate their grief into nuances of creative skills like blogging, writing, and singing. One such amazing angel mom is Lyndsey Lang, (@afterevalyn), 33, a Digital support executive from Portsmouth, UK. She is mother to daughters Evalyn, Iola and son Ieuan. Her posts on grief resonate with me. She shares her perspective as follows; "When my daughter Evalyn was stillborn at 38 weeks in 2016, I found myself in a world many refer to as 'the new normal'. And the new normal can be an incredibly lonely place. For myself, I have always expressed myself through my writing I wanted to write so that others didn't have to feel alone like I had in those early weeks. I wanted to raise awareness and have found that challenging my writing through grief has made me reflect a lot on my own journey in a positive way. Whether it is a blog post, a poem, a quote or a song, I find therapy in writing and it has helped me to reflect on my own journey without Evalyn with a more positive mindset. Grief may always be in my life but love will conquer all.”

One major lesson I’ve learnt is that grief is processed differently by different people. The same incident of losing our first child affected my husband Sarath and I in contrasting ways. While I sought solace by discussing my trauma with counsellors to heal,  he preferred to process his grief privately. He isolated himself from friends and refused to talk about his feelings. Occasionally, his grief expressed itself as misdirected anger which put a strain on our relationship. It took a lot of introspection, some minor arguments to piece together the facets of the trauma we both endured.

To somewhat help my situation, I sought to understand the male perspective to grief. I wanted to try and support my husband through this storm in our life. I browsed Instagram with #dadsgrievetoo in the search bar. That’s when I came across the Instagram handle @lovecommadad, an amazing account belonging to Gabriel Soh, a Digital content creator from Ontario, Canada; who shares his personal take on fatherhood and grief as an ode to his stillborn daughter Joy and 3 other angel babies gone too soon.

He shares his wisdom on a father’s perspective of grief on Instagram. He elaborates, “One thing that's different as a father, is that as a husband or partner, you fear for partner as well. There was nothing as a husband or a father I could do to fix things. For us dads of child loss, I found that there was a scarcity of support  compared to support available to moms. This is why I created a Care Package for other dads. I was looking out for people more seasoned in their grief, and those who help grieving families, to help me with my own pain. Thus, the ethos behind the Care Package is very personal. Sharing my grief, being vulnerable and helping others, ultimately helped me push through a dark phase. I met with some of the most caring and kind-hearted people here on Instagram who helped me feel less alone.”

The current pandemic has added a whole new dimension to my grief. Unlike other emotions, grief doesn’t have a timeline. I still grieve for the baby I lost. Uncertainty, compounded with all facets of life coming to a standstill takes me back to the earlier days after my miscarriage. I rely on my Instagram community for support on tough days now more than ever. In these unprecedented times, every bit of support is invaluable.

The loss community is comprised of the strongest individuals I know. Their invaluable support helps me rediscover inner strength I didn’t know I possessed. Their camaraderie tided me through the most difficult time of my life . The shittiest club indeed comprises of the most beautiful individuals. The realization that “We’re all in this together” is ironically powerful. Together, we cherish the impact of our children, while grieving the void their absence creates in our souls. We realize that grief is nothing but unrequited love.

A year on from my loss, I am mother to my 4 month old rainbow baby girl Srishti (meaning: the Universe in Sanskrit). Pregnancy after loss was another tumultuous journey in its own right. It was laced with anxiety and unreasonable fear. The community came to my rescue, yet again. They rooted for me and my unborn child and carried me through every milestone. Their unconditional support reinstated in me the courage to hope for a baby to cherish for life. Together, they stood by me in the difficult emotional journey during pregnancy after loss.

I initially joined Instagram to navigate my grief. I didn’t know I would find my tribe. This, is the most beautiful part of Instagram: The social channel that connects people not only in joy, but also in grief.

Padma Srinivasan is 27 years old and currently based in Dundee, Scotland, originally from Mumbai, India. Padma has an educational background in Biochemistry and a Diploma in Freelance Journalism. She is a proud daughter, wife and mother to 2 babies-one in the skies and one in her arms. Padma wrote about her toughest personal experience in this article as a humble attempt to break the stigma associated with early pregnancy loss.

You can find her on social media as follows:

Facebook: Padma Srinivasan (nickname: Anita)

Instagram: @the_struggling_warrior

Twitter: @padmasri_16 (just started)

Medium: @padmasrinivasan167