You're Worth It Baby

By. Lara Tuepker

The thought was there, clear and bold in my brain. And this was therapy- a place where I was committed (emotionally and monetarily) to raw honesty.  So I said it.   

“I feel like I owe them something.  I have to prove to everyone that I was worth saving.”  

My eyes were closed, so I couldn’t see the reaction on her face, but after an almost unnoticeable pause, Carol said, “Lara, you are worthy of being loved.  Just as you are. Just for being here you are worthy.  How does it feel to hear that?”

 I have spent my life trying and fighting to be here.  This started on the day that I was born.  I came into this world in my own time. But, according to doctors, nurses, science, and survival rates- I was three months too early.  I weighed two pounds, couldn’t breathe or suck on my own, and had a valve in my heart that wasn’t fully formed. 

 In all reality, I should not be here.  But I am.  As I grew up, and as recently as four days ago, my family has referred to me as the miracle baby. 

 I understand why they said it, because my survival and my eventual ability to thrive really is a miracle.  But as a kid, that always felt like pressure. It still feels like pressure!   

I have worked hard to find ease in my life. I have worked hard to be even keel, to not make waves, to be quiet and manageable, to not bring drama. Concurrently, I cultivated a deep love and joy in living my life uniquely.  I have been bold and adventurous. That part hasn’t been hard because those are among my core values.  It is what comes most naturally.  I want to inspire, shock and awe people in the way that I walk this Earth. It is time to remember my own lightning bolt entrance. It is time to turn heads and be forceful in what I want and how I want it. It is time to reclaim my voice and be fully myself instead of tamping down my opinions in order to make life easier on everyone else.  I am finished trying to make them think this bold, adventurous, calm, steadfast baby really was worth saving.  

 What I’m beginning to remember is that I was worth saving in order to be a full person, living a complete life.  Not a perfect life. Not a comfortable for everyone else life.  A life that is worth it because I deem it as such.

 I felt this in my body last week. I returned to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where I spent the first three months of my life.  I was given a tour by the manager of the unit and was able to ask her my deepest question. I choked through my tears, “Why are you fighting for these babies?  Why are they worth saving?” I think she understood what I was asking.  What I was truly saying was “Why am I here?  Why didn’t anyone give up on me?”  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I am not here to usher anyone into death. Typically the ICU is a place people go when they are on their way out. I am here because of the hope. These babies? You? You had your whole life ahead of you and to me that is worth protecting and saving.”

 I am here for opportunity.  I am here to live. I am here to prove myself just by being, because there really is nothing to prove.

 We kept walking and I saw an older woman tending to a baby who was hooked up to all sorts of monitors and alarms. The nurse who was giving me the tour asked if the last name Holley meant anything to her.  “Yes.”  “Lara Holley?  From almost 40 years ago? Yes.”  I came out from around the corner and I said, “That was me!  Thank you!  Can I give you a hug?” We hugged and I cried and she asked me if I turned out alright. “I did!”  I looked over and saw this tiny baby.  I looked back at the nurse. 

“On behalf of all of these babies, thank you.  Thank you for doing what you’re doing.” 

Of course the babies on that unit are worth saving. They have their whole lives ahead of them. They have all of the potential and ability just by being.  And so do I, which I can now say feels so freeing. 

Lara Tuepker lives in an RV with her husband, Jon and their two dogs. They are exploring the wild West and hope to wind their way through Mexico. There are eventual plans to settle down in a small sunny town, but for now they appreciate the hunt for the perfect place and the adventure of the road. Lara is working on creating a career as a writer so be on the lookout.