Dearest Friends and Family

By. Madeleine Smith

*Content Warning: Addiction

Dearest Friends & Family, 

Hello, my name is Madeleine and I am an addict. 

My identification with this label may come as a surprise to some of you, which only goes to show me how well and high “functioning” I have been in the past. Although I have been fortunate to avoid some of the horrific stories you hear of other addicts, I have not escaped from the disease that is addiction. For the last 18 months, I have been transparent and open about my sobriety from alcohol. Many of you have commented on the positive outcomes you have seen in my life since I quit drinking, and I could not agree with you more. Eliminating alcohol has removed barriers to self-love, self-growth, self-confidence, and self-compassion that I never anticipated overcoming. 

That being said, I have not been completely honest over the course of those 18 months. While I have abstained from alcohol, I have gone back and forth with marijuana, cocaine, and MDMA. I recently went on a bender with marijuana that left me in a haze for multiple days, left my body wrecked from the food that I consumed, and left me with a head cold from inhaling so much smoke. While the old me would have scoffed at present-day Maddie referring to this as a “weed bender”, I can no longer deny the negative effects that weed is having on my life. While I use cocaine and MDMA much less frequently, my participation in these drugs creates a mindset where I justify the use of marijuana, and by the end of the night I am smoking in order to go to bed.  

Upon deep reflection (and trial and error) I realize that instead of the solace I used to feel while participating in these activities, I now feel like I am abandoning myself when I use them; something I vowed never to do again when I stopped drinking alcohol. 

The reason I am sharing all of this with you is because I am terrified. I am not only terrified of quitting-but of the potential fall-out of friendships and relationships that revolve around these activities. I am terrified of the parties I will not be invited to. I am terrified of the awkward moments where people won’t know what to do with my sobriety. I am terrified of releasing these activities which truly helped me bond with some of my closest friends in some of our darkest times. 

I experienced quite a few unanticipated reactions when I quit drinking alcohol in September of 2017 and I foresee this situation being similar. I want to be clear that I understand this reaction to someone’s sobriety: our culture revolves heavily around these methods of bonding and sharing vulnerability. I also want to be clear that I DO NOT judge anyone who partakes in these activities. Not everyone has the relationship I have with substances. And while I will experience deep grief if we grow apart, I will never judge anyone who finds this progression natural. In turn, I may be moving away from some of the people in my closest circles. This is not personal and has no reflection on my love for you, but I am simply not strong enough to be in environments where saying yes may be an option. I have tried time and time again to continue this lifestyle without drugs, and it truly sets me up to fail every time. 

I am not only terrified of these potential friendship gaps, but also of the emotions that will arise as I move away from these escapist behaviors. I can feel deep inside of me that there is more trauma to process, and more things that younger versions of me want to say. These feelings will be both physically and mentally uncomfortable. While I know that the responsibility to maintain full sobriety lies solely on my shoulders, I am asking for your support. I hope that we can find new activities to do together and I hope that our relationships have enough psychological safety for us to continue being vulnerable and open with each other. 

I am also terrified to put this desire in writing, as there is a huge fear of failure. But what I have learned through my sobriety with alcohol is that the biggest failure is to fail to try, and you can only try one day at a time. As I reflect on my intentions for not only the new year, but the new decade (and MY new decade), full sobriety is where I want to be. The potential reward is worth it. I hope you can get behind me as I get out of my own way. 

With the deepest sense of love and gratitude,

Madeleine 

This essay is a letter I wrote to my loved ones after I had quit drinking for a year and a half but had secretly kept participating in other self-abandoning activities. I am honored to be sharing it with FWWR as my first submission, not only with you guys but ever. My story with sobriety is a little less gritty than the ones that typically gather sympathy and attention, but it is nonetheless powerful. I plan on writing a short non-fiction piece about it to go along with this letter, but that will need to come at a later date when I am done with this semester through graduate school. I hope that readers can resonate with what seems like a mundane, unsexy, but very REAL experience of battling with our inner demons. So please, enjoy this letter and share it with all the beautiful women who, like us, roar :)