You were, I am

By Christina Causey

Little one. I feel you in my bones. I hear the thunder behind your silence. You are not forgotten. Your presence is like a fire that shoves me forward. I remember you often. When I need to heal a scabbed scar, or when I see your face in one of my own children. I may notice you, briefly, in the mirror after a day full of feelings. Sometimes I hear you on my lips when I rage in search of the truth. Some nights I meet you in the darkness you were bound to for so long. My heart beats with compassion for you. I ache with the desire to hold you the way you held yourself when you were all alone. I wish you had known that one day you would be called a Queen. I wish you had known that there was such big love waiting for you. The kind of love that would break down the walls you labored to build. I am forever grateful for you little warrior. Like a soldier, you battled and you persevered with bravery. The days were relentless, the nights oppressive. But you, tiny wild girl. You were courageous. You were chosen. You were called out. I can hear how he spoke to your soul. It was always Him. It is Him who keeps me tethered to you. He won't let me forget you. Your creator. I know you felt Him calling. Just as I know you never felt like you could endure what you were created for. Love. Still, you always lived in His upside down Kingdom. Princess, you were. Queen, I am.

You, my love, have never been too much. I have always been enough. My shoulders bear the scars of the weight that almost buried you. My feet are sore with the roads you traveled. My body envelops yours. You are safe here. Finally. I wear your resilience as a crown. No matter how heavy it gets I will not let it slip. I know that even I have betrayed you. My spirit has tried to hide from yours. It was fear that told me I would never be strong enough to hold space for you. Your courage, however, left me no choice. So I laid down your fleshly weapons of warfare. I began listening to your thunder until it sounded like a voice. The most incredibly powerful, compassionate, grace-filled voice. I realized the sound of your voice was what I had always been longing to hear. When I met you in our tears today I sat in awe of who you are. The tapestry that we have woven is intricate and eclectic and intensely beautiful. Rest now, brave one, your gentle spirit is finally free.

Christina Causey is a Pacific Northwest native. Wife to one mother of five. She is a speaker, survivor leader, mentor, healing advocate, with extensive training, life experience, and knowledge of trauma and its lifelong effects. She facilitates trauma recovery groups within her community and has spoken at numerous events + trainings sharing her experiences and encouraging others to pour into their communities. She desires to see justice, hope, and freedom brought to marginalized and stigmatized men, women, and children. Christina is incredibly passionate about giving + living under radical grace and walking outside the lines. When not busy serving her community, Christina is busy keeping up with her husband and their five awesome active boys. IG + FB: stinamarie.causey. https://bridgingthegaporegon.org/