On Metaphor and the Trans Experience

By. Lilia Marie Ellis 

People tend to resort to metaphor

when words do not exist and it is 

more or less impossible to think up new ones

that people take seriously.

Trans people often say we feel as if

we are trapped in the wrong body.

It is a metaphor we invented,

so that language (and people) will let us in.

As if.

As if.

I feel as if already the

metaphors I speak come out

like stones of silence, falling

flat and heavy and crushing my 

feet below as I walk. I feel as if

when I speak people will take

me as a parody of myself. As if.

Trapped.

That’s a good one.

There are many kinds of things 

which trap us

(and by us I mean trans people;

this is about us).

There are many ways in which 

we can be trapped.

And sometimes I feel how easy

it is to convince myself I’m doing fine.

(Have you heard that metaphor,

the frog in the boiling water?)

Sometimes I wish I could grab the words I’d

need, as if they were down at the bottom of a paper sack;

the slippery, direct words that would make people

listen and change this world I’m stuck in.

As if speaking were like throwing

darts at a board, or turning pages, or listening.

(Sometimes I regret how separate I am,

too, though I have yet to think of a

metaphor for that one; if you have not also felt it,

you probably won’t understand what I mean.)

So please forgive me; I do

know what I mean, incoherent

and stumbling as you must think I am.

Lilia Marie Ellis is a trans woman writer from Houston. Her work has previously appeared in publications including Sink Hollow, Levee, and Snapdragon. Follow her on Twitter @LiliaMarieEllis!