A Guide to Using Tinder

A person with long dark hair sits on a white sheeted bed, smiling and looking at a computer.

By. Ingrid Ren

Content Warning: Sexuality

Don’t let your yourself be too hopeful or impressed by Tinder’s “Editor’s Choice” Award. Download the app anyways.

Don’t make your bio cheeky or remotely sexual in any way. You won’t hear the end of it.

Do have a bio.

Pick photos that you won’t be embarrassed by when people you know see your profile.

That said, don’t match with friends on Tinder. It’s only amusing until one of you starts to question the joke.

Swipe left to reject everyone. People-watch without interruption or shame. See how many people you know use the app. They’ll seem more vulnerable the next time you see them.

Take a risk. Swipe right. Let your heart beat faster as you wait. Let your heart slow down as you wait.

When you get your first match, don’t confuse your excitement for anything more.

Find power in being the one to start conversations with men. Find fear when they reply, when they expect your continued attention.

Don’t feel ashamed for being flattered when you read shallow compliments with sincerity. Let yourself feel beautiful. You are.

Let yourself say yes to men.

Remember to be on guard, especially the first time you meet up. And the times after that as well.

Share your location with a friend before meeting up with someone.

Don’t be surprised when they’re shorter in person. Don’t look thrown off when their voice doesn’t match their face. Don’t stare when they grin for the first time, and you see that the profile photos of closed-lipped smiles hide the truth of crooked teeth. Don’t judge too hard.

You’re more than familiar with the parts of yourself that you hide.

Ghost people like mad.

Get ghosted and get mad.

Unmatch when you get busy. Unmatch when you get bored. Unmatch when you get scared.

Don’t be surprised if the entire Tinder date takes place in the back of a car and he finishes in a couple minutes. Don’t be hurt by how quickly he gets dressed and hops back into the driver’s seat. Let yourself be amused by the situation so that you don’t feel too used. Tell yourself that you’re done using him, too, because you are.

Do be surprised when you hit it off, and the date lasts for over two hours. Be pleasantly surprised when it seems to turn into a date, and you get ice cream afterwards.

Forget about the people who don’t match with you.

Delete the app and download it again in the same day. Do this every day for a week. Tell yourself you’re not addicted.

Call your Tinder date before meeting up. FaceTime them. It sounds bizarre, but it’ll be so much more relieving. Technology provides a certain safety all while introducing the potential for danger in the first place.

Ultimately, though, he ghosts you.

Don’t forget how beautiful women are. Men break the ice by saying, “u dtf,” and women message you with, “You’re so beautiful!”

Notice how you’re still more inclined to meet up with men than women. One guy you meet up with tells you, “I feel like girls respond better when I’m more forward about sex.” Think about how you and your women friends talk about the grossness in the forwardness of men online. Yet here you are, with him.

Think about how your idea of a real date is full of movie stereotypes – being asked out and blushing and flowers and doorsteps. Think about how passive women are in this idea.

Think about the fact that you’ve never been on a real date. Question if you would ever consider a date with someone you didn’t meet in person real.

Understand that a Tinder date isn’t the same as a date.

Ask him to use a condom. You won’t forget, so remember to say it out loud. He’ll pretend to have just been reminded in an ohthankgod you remembered voice, but don’t be fooled.

He was hoping you wouldn’t ask.

Be upset when it’s midnight, and he opens his car door to drop the used condom in the parking lot of an elementary school. Let the upset show in your eyes.

Don’t be surprised when he says, “Blow me,” but refuses to go down on you because you’re not dating. This means it’s more intimate, more serious to make a woman feel beautiful than it is a man.

Question if this means women are seriously more beautiful than men. Agree with yourself. Someone needs to.

Don’t be surprised when he refuses to go down on you because you have pubic hair. “I just can’t do it.” Mental block. Compromise by asking him to shave you. Think that you are powerful, standing under the showerhead, face tilted up, as he kneels below you, carefully shaving you to his liking.

Don’t be surprised when he goes down on you for ten seconds and you deal with razor burn for the following week.

Share your fears with friends. “Sometimes, when I meet up with men, I think about the fact that they could kill me.” Try to laugh about it. But don’t try too hard.

Remember how your friend pointed out that you could kill them. You could.

Ask yourself if wanting to be choked is the same as wanting to momentarily think you are powerless because you know you are not. Remember the time when he choked you so hard, you coughed for a full minute after he let you go. Remember the sick satisfaction you felt when he continuously apologized afterwards, eyes wide in fear.

Is that power to you?

Don’t repeat that.

Let your thoughts wander during sex. Grit your teeth. Stop the sex when you’re not feeling it. And don’t apologize for stopping. Turn your apology into a “thank you for driving me back” if you feel the absolute need to say something.

Try not to take it personally when you’re blocked and unmatched after a date. Try.

When you get permanently banned from Tinder for jokingly trying to receive money from men online, convince yourself it is a blessing in disguise. Email Tinder Help & Support, but don’t expect anything. You’ve violated their terms and agreements. Really, though, tell yourself it’s for the best.

Do not download Bumble or Hinge or Her. None of them will be as fun.

But when you do download Bumble, observe the app’s set-up where women have to message first. Swipe left on the men whose profiles say, “No one messages first on here anyways” or “Why match if you’re not gonna message?” They have a point, but you’re not here to be guilt-tripped.

Question why Tinder is more fun, where men have more power, where gender roles are less surprising and less stressful. Being the one to initiate all conversations with men is only empowering until they reply, until you give them a voice.

When you get sufficiently bored, make a new Facebook account to make a new Tinder.

This will fail because Tinder now requires you to connect your account to a phone number. Find a friend who (thinks they) will never use a dating app, and use their phone number to make a new account. Be careful not to use the same photos as were on your old account, because Tinder’s algorithms will recognize them and block you again.

Don’t stalk your hookups out of boredom six months later. You don’t want to find out that he owns a Make America Great Again hat or that he started dating someone soon after you met or what that woman looks like.

Question the juxtaposition between being a confident, sexually active woman and being ambitious. Question why you see it as a juxtaposition. Be scared of the consequences that casual sex can have on your future careers (in positions of power, in politics) and of your promiscuous past (and present) haunting your reputation.

Worry about the nudes you’ve sent and the nudes that could’ve been sent around, about the men who remember you and who stretch their stories thick. Consider giving up casual sex to protect your professional future. But decide that it’s too late, an amused smile at your lips, and hope that the future will look at women more lovingly.

Look up the data and statistics on race and ethnicity in the context of dating apps. Asian women and white men get the most matches and responses. Don’t be fooled into thinking this puts you on equal footing with white men. Being desired is not the same as being desired as an Asian woman. Being told that you’re tight is not the same as being told that you’re beautiful, so don’t ever think that fitting a stereotype makes you powerful.

Learn that you don’t forget each other easily. Learn this when you look at photos of them months after you’ve last seen them. And learn this when, after you have stopped thinking of them, they message you, catching you off guard, making you smirk, happy with the attention.

Learn this when you replay memories of skin touching and when you remember the shade of dark their eyes took on at night.

Notice how people look different in bed, especially the more you get to know them. The way the darkness reflects in their eyes, the way the moonlight touches their cheekbones.

The shape of them changes.

Ingrid is pictured with a close mouthed smile, wearing a brown patterned sweater, and long blue hair.

Ingrid Ren is a student, an Asian-squatter, a grapefruit-lover, a writer for change. Her work has been recognized by Columbia College Chicago, Canvas Literary Journal, and American Journal of French Studies.