Don't Mind Your Mind

By. Gillian Buono

Anxiety is a mischievous emotion. An emotion that tends to rob people of their happiness and growth. It can hinder a person’s life so intensely that they could eventually be unrecognizable.

I have been struggling lately, more than ever before, and I have never felt so alone. The loneliness creeping in at the absolute worst times of the day. This nagging fear of tomorrow or next week or six months from now is not just a “me” thing, it’s an-every-person-thing. We all want answers, reassurance, attention, and love.

Anxiety isn’t pretty but who would actually know, because it’s also invisible. It has its own invisible cloak for every single person that comes into contact with it. It’s kind of a “fuck you” emotion because trying to express it to the outside world is next to impossible without sounding like an insane person.

Expressing yourself and saying, “I have anxiety,” usually doesn’t go anywhere. So, then you try, “I have debilitating anxiety that leaves me on the bathroom floor taking deep yoga breaths for hours.” Maybe that kind of works but not really. It doesn’t usually work because anxiety comes from a delusional place.

It’s all an illusion. Our mind ignites the fear of being left, getting fired, being judged, getting broken up with, and suddenly these thoughts make our body unable to function properly.

I have actually clutched my chest before in pain. All the while, knowing that I was fine, knowing that it was all mental. It’s this physical sensation that usually lives in the center of my chest. It feels like an eerie pressure pushing down on an air way. Lifting my body, making a phone call, day to day pleasantries with a co-worker, even cracking a smile, could be too jarring in these moments.

All it ever is, is your mind. It’s your mind taking over and leaving you unable to eat, get out of bed, or have a normal conversation without crying.

Anxious emotions usually come from a fear of loss and of something that hasn’t even happened yet. So, trying to express these emotions tends to be very difficult.

Anxiety also can stem from assumptions of grave change, that will eventually rip you from your reality. You are no longer a part of the rest of the world with everyone else, you are in your own little universe and at war with your mind.

Your mind now controls you and your every move. It controls everything about the present and the future. In a blink you are so wrapped up in the “what’s next,” that you can’t think or see straight. All these negative thoughts then find a cozy resting place in the corner of your brain. …

–and now you are mournfully alone.

Anxiety will find its way to you when you resist change. I have been resisting it for weeks. Holding onto what I am used to and not letting anything else in.

My whole world has been shaken up, my routine gone, what I had expected on a daily basis has been ripped from my fingertips. Everything is new and I have been refusing to adapt. I don’t want what is new, I want what I had.

This.

This is what your mind will do to you…if you let it. It will take you over. It will colonize your thoughts, your every move; and suddenly without any warning, you aren’t you anymore, you are your mind.

Michael A. Singer, says it perfectly in The Untethered Soul, “There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind - you are the one who hears it.”

I have been waking up in slow motion, sleeping thirteen hours a day, binge watching tv, crying endlessly, going to yoga, taking dance classes, spending too much money on crystals, praying, lighting incense, putting my essential oil diffuser on…anything and everything I can get my hands on to feel better. To feel like I am moving forward and getting past this lingering feeling.

But it’s not about getting past it, it’s about accepting it and then letting it all go.

Nothing in this life is definite except change.

Change is constant and we either adapt to it or it runs us over.

It’s about being able to accept all that’s around us and then finally saying, “It’s okay, I am going to be okay.”

Someone said to me recently to do the things you love even if I don’t feel any love; to do the things that make you create even if I don’t feel an ounce of creativity. To do it anyway.

Each time you do, each time you try, you crack through that resistance. You start telling your mind, “Try me again, I dare you, because I’m going to keep doing it anyway.” Trust and faith are all we have.

It’s all mental. It’s all a choice. It’s our free will.

We have to trust that it is all going to be okay even when it so deeply feels like it’s not. We have to trust ourselves and let our lives unfold with grace and without our tight grip of control.

Doesn’t it always seem to work out? Don’t we look back on dark places of emotions, break-ups, that old apartment, that fight with a friend, and say, “Why did I put myself through all of that. Why did I lose myself in that moment?”

If you find yourself in utter despair tap into any bit of strength and ask yourself these questions…Will I be happy today? Will I do the things I love? Will I surround myself with people that inspire me? And most importantly will my thoughts be peaceful and loving towards myself?

Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know if every day I will flash a beaming smile at a stranger or say, “I’m great,” to myself in the mirror. I don’t know if every day will bring awe inspiring transformation, but I also don’t think that’s the point.

Life isn’t always a ten out of ten. Sometimes life is a five out of ten. It’s those times when nothing memorable is going on, no new opportunities are coming up, you aren’t dating anyone, and you feel kind of bored, well that’s okay.

Those quiet moments, the alone time, the glimmers of peace when no one is calling or texting you; it doesn’t mean you are alone or nothing. It doesn’t mean no one will ever call you again, it doesn’t mean you are going to be left or abandoned. It means you need time. It means you need you.

Our friend the, “fuck you” emotion (anxiety), it will tell you that any ounce of silence or more than a few hours alone means you will be alone for forever. During a break-up it will tell you it’s your fault and you are unlovable. When you quit a job and move on to something new it will make you second guess your decision.

Don’t fall for any of it. Spare yourself, because none if it is real.

Your mind is just your mind, it isn’t you.

Think of anxiety as the Wicked Witch of the West. Every step towards yourself and peace is another drop of water on her. When you start trusting your life this emotion starts melting away.

Silence is your friend. Time alone is your healer.

Let yourself heal because you deserve that.

Gillian Buono grew up on the Jersey Shore, and moved to NYC in 2009 to pursue Musical Theater. She graduated from Pace University in 2014 with a BA in Acting & Commercial Dance. After graduating she pursed a professional dance career, all the while working in the hospitality industry. Gillian is still singing and dance, and now finally adding writing to the mix!

For Women Who Roar has been a daily inspiration to her and she is excited to be a part of this family of creative and amazing women!

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