My Commitment to You

By. Hailee Pallas

Sweet girl,

I’ve been on the run for too long. Trying to escape from you. And from the pain, the shame, the fear, and them discomfort that has made itself a home in my body and mind. I’ve continued to run, only to find that wherever I go, there you are. No matter how many times I try to abandon you, you never leave me. You’re my constant reminder of the work that I keep trying to avoid.

I used to see you as this monster. This horrible thing. I used to wish away your existence.

But as I look into your eyes, I see who you were before your light was dimmed.

You were free-spirited. You marched to your own beat with unruly hair and a goofy grin. You were stubborn, compassionate, sensitive, determined, and curious. You loved putting on performances. Books were your escape. You loved to help and to make others laugh. You were born with goodness in your heart.

I put misplaced blame on you. For things that were out of your control. For things that were never your fault. For choices that other people made. As I continued to get older, I acted out that pain by hurting myself and therefore hurting you. Punishing you. You were never to blame. You were a child. I am working on wholeheartedly believing that.

I want you to know that I do see you and I promise you this...

I commit to paying more attention to you and your wants and needs. I commit to work on seeing your worth and holding space for the many facets that make you who you are. Even the complicated, messy parts. I commit to acknowledging your spirit and strengths. They will help us heal from the past that continues to keep us hostage. I commit to stepping into our power and using our voice to speak the truth. I commit to expanding opposed to trying to shrink into cages that we’ve outgrown. I commit to no longer apologizing for our existence. I choose to show up vulnerably and unapologetically. As a human. I am committing to taking back our body. To protecting it and no longer giving it away to people who aren’t safe. I commit to acknowledge and then move past the fear that keeps us restricted from participating in all that the world has to offer. I commit to trusting more-both you and I, as well as the people who continue to show up and love us. I commit to staying even when I want to run. I commit to following our inner compass and acting in alignment with our higher self. I commit to healing. I commit to living.

Love,

Hailee

My name is Hailee. I am healing. I am risk-taking. I am embracing my humanity. I am passionate about holding space for others to speak their truth and step into their healing. I am learning how to hold that same space for myself even when it is uncomfortable. I believe that we are all capable of creating a new narrative for ourselves. I used to cling onto the chaos and self-destruction that embedded itself into my life, but I am learning to let go of those old stories that I religiously used to tell myself. Because whether I feel deserving or not, I want a different story for myself and wanting it gets to be enough right now.