Too Late

A close up of Jacquelyn as an infant, being held by her smiling father, who is wearing a white shirt and sitting in a floral upholstered chair. A wooden desk with a tape dispenser and other items are in the background.

By. Jacquelyn Birkeland

The clock read 3:30 a.m. “Who could be calling right now?” I thought.

When I looked at my phone, the light was so bright I could hardly make out the name “Mom” on the screen. She spoke to me very plainly and very calmly. “It won’t be much longer. You need to come home and see your dad. He is asking for you specifically.”

My heart sank. This was not a dramatic call, and I knew she was serious. There had been a sudden decline in his health. But that doesn’t mean I was prepared for this call.

It couldn’t really be happening, right?

I didn’t know what to do. I was in college and couldn’t afford to fail any classes. We talked and decided I should go to class that day and then drive home immediately after.

I hung up and I could not move. I was laying in my bed, unable to process what was going on. My mom’s tone. The words she spoke. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. It would take me 2.5 hours to drive home.

Should I make the trip right now?

I fought with myself for the exact amount of time it would have taken me to drive home. Then, I finally fell back asleep. When I woke up, I packed my suitcase. I had no idea how long I would be gone. What if he does die? What will I do about school and my job? What if he is just really sick? How much time will I spend visiting before I come back?

I went to my class, but I couldn’t focus. It was algebra, and I don’t think I actually absorbed a single thing that was taught. Something about the quadratic formula, maybe.

Finally, class was over, and I could start my drive. That is a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts though.

During my drive, a few people had called and messaged me. One specific call was from my brother. This wouldn’t be that weird, except we don’t have much of a relationship. He was asking very specific questions about how I was coping and dealing with everything. These questions were weird, but there was a lot going on.

Two and a half hours later and I pulled onto the road my parents lived on. My grandparents were the original owners of this house. Then my brother lived there, then my aunt, and now my parents. Driving down that road brings me back to my childhood. I spotted my other brother walking the dog. He waved me down and insisted on hanging onto my door to catch a ride back to the house. He insisted on staying with me. He was irritating me. He was slowing me down. He didn’t understand that my dad was asking for me. I wasn’t sure why all the sudden all of my brothers were so worried about me.

I have this ability to numb myself.

It is not a great quality, but it is my defense mechanism. That is how I protect myself. Looking back, I’m sure this is how I was able to miss so many signs.

After what felt like forever, we pulled into the driveway. I hardly noticed the cars parked outside in my panic to get inside. I didn’t walk to that door, I ran. There were very weird feelings building up inside me. I had numbed myself out for the car ride, and it was like a dam broke once I left that car.

I will never forget the feeling when I walked through that front door. I walked into a house full of people. This could only mean one thing.

Fear, trembling, shock, disbelief. It all flooded into my entire body. It consumed me. My mom suddenly appeared in the midst of so many other faces. She was there before I could fully comprehend what had happened. She enveloped me into her arms and told me that my dad was gone.

Terror.

I missed it.

He was asking for me and I was not there. Whenever I needed him, he was at my side before I could even ask for him.

The room felt cold. The walk over to where he laid took an eternity. One foot in front of the other, yet it seemed like I would never make it any closer. When I finally did reach the bed, I sat next to him.

I told him I was so sorry.

I will never know what he wanted to tell me that day.

Close up of Jacquelyn wearing a white long sleeve shirt and smiling with her lips closed. She has long blond wavy hair, and blue green eyes.

Jacquelyn Birkeland is a mother, wife, friend, writer, hiker, reader, and learner. Currently she is pursuing a degree in Communications while raising her two-year old daughter. With this degree she hopes to work with nonprofits to help with prison reform. In her spare time, she loves to photograph people and the relationships they have. You can find more of her work on IG: @jacquelynclaireb and @jacquelynb.photo