When a Nail Goes Through a Wall

By. M.G. Hughes

The idea starts with the imagination. A hammer digs a nail further and further into a wall. The wall continues to ache in agony before the nail, showing no signs of loosing its resilience, finally settles itself and is able to rest steady. To most people the final act of a nail being pushed in would be the end of the story. In some cases, many people, including myself, would view this as an ultimate victory. But here is where I would like to add a new, and rather strange factor to the scenario: the wall you were hammering the nail into is a black hole; therefore anything that even comes close to it, theoretically speaking, is sucked in and ultimately flung into the dark unknown. Rod Serling may have once called this phenomenon The Twilight Zone, but to me this is far from science fiction and something more close to home. The question now is, What does the black hole represent? For the sake of this observation, I would like to ask you to consider it as a symbolic representation of depression and anxiety. 

. . . Therefore when that same nail disappears, a person might continue piercing nail after nail in without realizing it’s time to find a new wall to dig into—or take this as a sign to find a new way to tackle their tribulation. 

The term resilience, to many realms of society, is viewed as an honorable trait of the human existence where a person, upon facing tribulation, attempts to overcome the conflict again and again—or at least until their body can no longer stand it. They may even try the same method for each new attempt. They try to jump over a ledge, miss, and continue jumping at what most onlookers would describe as being the same height. ‘’Have they not noticed that long pole over there?’’ says someone. ‘’Couldn’t they simply use the pole to propel themselves over the ledge?’’ says another. ‘’Or what about that ledge over there?’’ suggests a third individual. ‘’It may be shorter, but it would prepare them for the higher obstacles.’’ In retrospect, there is only so much advice the person jumping over the ledge will actually take to heart. 

But let’s say this person remained with their ways, changed nothing, and saw no different results. In a short period of time, they become much more tired. So tired to a point where they suddenly call it a day and head home, arrive home, wash up, and lay down for a nap. Here’s where the pondering starts. ‘’Maybe I’m a failure,’’ they think to themselves. Then a more surprising thought: ‘’I shouldn’t be doing this.’’ 

A week later this same person doesn’t show up for practice. They decided to quit, not just on something they loved, but something that could have led them to greater opportunity if they had analyzed the situation and realize that there were in fact other ways to succeed that day. But instead, and whether it was taking on the smaller ledge or choosing the pole, the thought of jumping over the highest obstacle became so overpowering that any other option would have implied that they themselves were not fit to be there. This is a prime example of how powerful resilience is. Sometimes we recover so quickly from falling, or failing, that we become numb to any other outside influence or may even refuse moving onto something else. And to be clear this theory should not be confused with our acknowledgement of the term determination, as while being determined is the state of the person, resilience is the state of the mind’s longing for accomplishment—the act of doing and carrying out this same agenda until we, the creator of that manifestation, are satisfied. There is no guarantee of positive or negative results, either, as this factor entirely depends on what we perceive as a good or bad outcome. 

So what exactly does this mean for the sake of mental health? In many cases, this begins with how we approach acknowledging it. Resilience is key—but sometimes resilience can reference the way we recover from a depression episode, feel better for two weeks, and eventually run into old, bad habits that stimulate the sadness again. The definition of resilience in this case, and how I see it, is not how we overcame our depression for that week, but how we recovered and returned to previous behavior. For many, this is the normality of depression and anxiety—and it was in fact the way I viewed it during my own five-year (and ongoing) experience with the subject. At some point during the early stages I had sought therapy. That didn’t help because I knew what the culprit was and, in some strange way, became addicted to feeling ‘’sad’’ because I feared loosing the feeling of being content. Therefore the real problem for me, and alike many others, was how I was going to go about rewiring the physiological barriers I had created within my own mind, and how the prolonged numbness towards the evident, destructive behavior of self-harm, thoughts of taking my own life, and avoiding social opportunities had yet to be magically whisked away by telling myself to simply ‘’be happy’’ or ‘’think positive thoughts.’’ 

Now of course, when speaking from person to person, you will find a different solution to every problem. For some people that is looking in the mirror and thinking ‘’I am sexy’’ or ‘’I am not who I was yesterday.’’ For others, it’s taking medication. These are great, and very reasonable options too. If these things work for you, by all means continue doing what you find most effective. However just as everyone’s case is different, and speaking from my own experiences, I did not want a temporary fix. I wanted long(er) lasting results. And being stuck on medication, or having to rely on a pill for the sake of my own sanity, was something that both felt and sounded scary. 

. . . But I did try it just to try it, and ironically it was during that week that I realized I was a different person in the worst way. I was crying almost every morning, usually for no reason at all. The urge to end my life, and searching things like ‘’how many Tylenol pills does it take to kill a person,’’ was more common. Equally worse, I had trouble motivating myself to get out of bed. I didn’t want to leave from under the covers because I just didn’t see a purpose to. So I stopped taking the pill, lost even more weight (at some point I had weighed only 96 pounds), and naturally smiled less. 

Fast forward to now, in 2019, there are many things that occurred during that period that caused me to take action, practice self-love, and even embark on a writing career. For the sake of this essay, the details of these happenings would take up too much space. But to summarize it all into two words, the one thing that lit my inner light bulb again was this: new materials. 

In other words, instead of hammering that same nail into the dark colored wall, the wall representing my depression and anxiety, I sought new tools (like self-awareness) in hopes to catch the wall (my mental health) by surprise. See, at this point in time, I was so used to being safe that anything new was automatically viewed as negative. But in being completely honest of the situation, and telling myself that I was, in fact, only dealing with the nagging voice in my head, it became easier throughout those first two years to retrain my eyes to see the future as holding optimistic opportunities, and that even if I had ‘’failed’’ at something I was ultimately the one who decided if I would view it as negative or positive; a reason to revert to self-harm or another reason to remind myself that self-harm was only resilient in the past because it numbed me from seeing this truth, and it worked. 

I have a long way to go. I will likely still deal with this so-called wall for years to come—but I am better, and I am still here to share my story and ask you one last thing: 

When a nail doesn’t go through a wall, do you find another wall, or do you keep hammering it in? 

M. G. Hughes is an African-American/Filipino novelist, poet, and essayist. Born and raised in Oceanside, California, she is currently working on her first poetry collection I Only Have Marmalade as well as her first novel, Margot Lee. You can find more of her amazing work on Instagram: @immghughes.